Make conflict sexy again????

Say goodbye to fear and embrace uncomfortable conversations to create deeper bonds.

Conflict wasn’t on my Pinterest trend forecast for 2024, but she seems to be making a name for herself nonetheless, ramping up her popularity even more this summer. Need to know who’s doing her PR because that girl is EVERYWHERE. But fear not, intimidating as she might be, conflict can actually be a great tool in bringing people closer together. After all, if you’re avoiding conflict, you’re avoiding intimacy. It’s all about how you approach her. 

I used to be team conflict-avoidant well into my twenties. Even now, as I dip my toe into my thirties, I sometimes still get that pit in my stomach when it’s time to have uncomfortable conversations, especially with my loved ones. As a child, I didn’t feel safe to express myself. This created a tense relationship with how I related to vulnerability. I learned that when I was emotionally honest, I would be punished. Thus, my debut as a people-pleaser ensued (still unlearning that one!!) 

There’s no denying conflict is scary. Fear of hurting someone or being hurt is almost unbearable. Not to mention the girlies who have a fear of abandonment (hi, I love you, and I will always be here for you!!) When we start identifying all the puzzle pieces, it becomes clear that conflict is not ONLY about a specific situation but also all the emotional baggage each individual brings into it, which is simply part of the human experience and nothing to be ashamed of. It’s giving layered. Nuanced, if you will. 

The more we can understand this perspective, the easier it becomes to pinpoint our triggers in conflict (which usually come from our deep wounds.) Understanding our triggers is extremely important to successfully regulate our nervous system/ground ourselves during conflict and avoid shutting down, popping off, or anything else that further disconnects us. If we can catch ourselves before we go into the emotional “upside down” (yes, that is a Stranger Things reference), we have a better chance of staying present and resolving conflict. 

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Author’s Note: Understanding our triggers and emotions takes time and a lot of practice. Be gentle with yourself as you engage with yourself and others. If you’re being hard on yourself for not “getting it” right away, pretend you are talking to your inner child and double down on your grace, forgiveness, and love. 

OKAY!!! Now, let’s take a look at how we can build a safe and solid foundation for success. 

They say fear is the enemy of love, so how do we overcome it? BY LEANING INTO LOVE. Without sounding like a total cliche, love is literally the answer. Fear is our ego holding us back. Fear is our defensiveness and failure to take ownership of our actions. Fear is our self-sabotage making us believe we don’t deserve the blessings inherent to us.

Because fear is protective in nature, we don’t need to demonize it. The part of you that is afraid is working hard to protect you from harm, and maybe she needs a break!! It’s giving, “Thanks so much for looking out for me, babe, but I got it from here!” Honoring our protective parts is important, but it doesn’t mean they have to control us. When we trust ourselves enough to choose love over fear, a whole new world opens up. Befriending our fear becomes a necessary act of resilience that keeps us open and pushing forward. 

Defensiveness has no place in conflict, and the longer you wear that armor, the less fulfilling your relationships will be. When we’re defensive, we’re avoiding accountability, plain and simple. Even if you FEEL you haven’t done anything “wrong” you’re still missing the point that perhaps by accident, you’ve triggered a loved one. In that case, why wouldn’t you just say, “Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry that thing I did had such an effect on you! In the future, I’ll try to be more mindful of my actions. Thank you so much for trusting me enough to share your feelings.” Done. End of conflict lol. 

Once we move past fear and defensiveness in conflict, we can fully be present with whomever we engage with. This is where we practice active listening, accountability, compassion, non-judgemental attitudes, allowing for feedback, reassurance, and validation. These skills foster better communication and enhance understanding. The more comfortable we get with making mistakes and atoning for them, the less scary conflict resolution becomes. When we are truly heard by each other, we’re more willing to reconnect. 

Conflict is an opportunity to learn more about other people. If you have no interest in learning more about the person you’re in conflict with, simply speak your peace respectfully and move on (unfortunately, some people are committed to misunderstanding us). Otherwise, continue to show up in this space with love and understanding. It will save you a ton of grief and add immense joy to your life. :)

Okay, I’m tired. GOOD LUCK, EVERYONE! I hope you’re all getting smooched on and landing your dream jobs. 

xx

shelby