THE DATING LANDSCAPE IN 2024
Don’t despair, darling. Love is going to be huge this summer.
First, hellooooo, all my sweet lover creative genius angels. I’m so excited to share this space and the inner ramblings of my mind with you. My hope is that these thoughts I’ve managed to scribble down on paper will uplift you, make you question yourself and your relationships, provide a crumb of comic relief, perhaps an ounce of relatability to assure you’re not alone, and make you feel things. I can’t promise you will always like it!!! But I will commit to being as authentic, honest, and true to myself as possible while being mindful of my personal boundaries and respecting the people in my life.
I encourage you to interact with me and spark discussion. Argue, agree, make a silly point – I want all the smoke. I like being challenged and I don’t mind being wrong. I like hearing personal anecdotes and learning more. My heart and mind are open!! The greatest thing about discussing love, sex, and relationships is that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach (this also might quite literally be the downfall, but I digress). As much as this is “my blog,” I want you to feel comfortable enough to be yourself and share your experience, too. :)
ALL THAT BEING SAID……
Welcome to my public-private diary. I desperately need a place to vent, lol. Buckle your seatbelts because I’ve been called ‘intense’ and ‘intimidating’ about 1000 times in my life (insert eye roll), and I doubt those personality traits are going anywhere anytime soon.
BACK TO THE DATING LANDSCAPE!
(Did I mention I’m a rambler? A yapper? A chatty Cathy?)
I’m so sorry to kick things off this way, but the 2024 dating landscape is BLEAK, leaving much to be desired. In both my personal and professional circles, I’ve heard of escalating conflict, grief, loneliness, and, above all, a real yearning for connection. In other words, everyone is “down bad,” and it seems like we’ve all “lost the plot” in a way I don’t think we’ve ever collectively experienced??? Please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.
*** Also, to all those who are in happy, loving, committed relationships, know that you are blessed and that I am grateful to you!! Please keep cherishing each other, shining your light, and being an example of love in this world. I know it’s a lot of responsibility, but we all need it now more than ever! <3333
Speaking from my own experience, I’ve never had such a difficult time dating as now. There is a lack of safety and security and an overriding sense of fear that seems to have hollowed out the hearts of lovers everywhere. I would just blame it on “living in a big city,” but if that were true, why do I have clients and friends around the globe complaining about the same issues? People – the same ones who long deeply to be held and understood – are becoming more and more afraid to make themselves vulnerable enough to open to connection. How is it that we’re all defensive, hypersensitive, and yet so appallingly unempathetic? Meanwhile, we’re projecting onto each other and using sex as a band-aid for emotional intimacy.
READER REMINDER: I UNDERSTAND I AM SPEAKING IN GENERALIZED TERMS. PLS TAKE WITH A GRAIN OF SALT OR SIMPLY MOVE ON. THANK YOU. :)
Here is a quick breakdown of some reasons the dating pool has pee in it (besides the regular ones):
Global pandemic → ummm I know that we’ve all “moved on” from 2020, but it’s impossible to ignore its lingering effects like social anxiety manifesting as a lack of conversational skills, blanketed unresolved trauma, and a looming sense of chaos that surrounds us. Not exactly the fun, flirty vibe we’re all hoping to manifest!
Recession → lots of folks are broke and miserable (hello i love you) complaining that dating is expensive (they’re not totally wrong!) Scarcity mindset is predominant as people continue to live in survival mode without a break from the past four years.
Political conflicts/wars/genocides → general death, despair and a rise of nihilism. Feeling powerless. Personal views separating people from their loved ones. A predominant need to feel “right” enforces the experience of not feeling heard, creating a massive disconnect.
Capitalism → causing mass beliefs in hyperindividualism. People obsess over money and devote all their time to work instead of engaging in their communities. Loneliness breeds more hatred, which breeds more loneliness, etc. Distrust in others becomes distrust in self.
Social media → “grass is always greener” mindset promotes insecurity. Making up ideas of people and forcing them to fit into our own narrative (that never works out!) There is a lack of satisfaction from screentime disassociation, which makes it hard to be present with our partners.
Dating apps → instant gratification culture has too much power. I am not a pizza you can order online or a fleshlight you can fuck. The apps aren’t totally safe (I’ve heard too many stories about assault), and they can feel dehumanizing. With all the seemingly available options, we forget that solid relationships require effort. We can’t simply give up on something the moment we’re challenged or don’t get what we want.
As a bonafide ‘crush-girl,’ I can attest that I’ve been dating from a young age. Maybe it’s just the libra in me, but I’ve always had a crush and am usually engaged in some sort of courting ritual or committed relationship. Obviously, I’m obsessed with social psychology and how people get together otherwise, I wouldn’t have become a Sex and Relationship Coach, and it’s apparent to me that there’s been a major shift in how people date – one that I don’t think we can come back from. It might look bleak as hell right now, but hopefully, it’ll set the tone for a revolutionary restructuring to create a brighter, more intentional, and purposeful world. (ahhh yes there’s my inner hopeful romantic.)
While the current dating climate might be turbulent, I’m realizing that these shifts (any shifts really) ultimately align us with who we’re supposed to be and the people we’re supposed to be with. The amount of continuous shedding that’s been happening personally and collectively is enough to feel absolutely raw — like road rash raw. Whatever lessons have been surfacing feel like a scab being picked at constantly with no real time to heal. It’s been EXHAUSTING, it’s been HEARTBREAKING, it’s been LIBERATING. Leveling up into a new life is SCARY and EXCITING and PLEASURABLE. Our new needs might not be met in spaces we’ve outgrown. It’s no one’s fault, no one has to play the “bad guy” we’re all moving in different directions. IT’S NOT PERSONAL. This is why detachment is so hard. We have to choose something different and embody what we want in relationships to align with our desires. Releasing control is an act of divine trust that the love you deserve will find you.
So what are some things we should focus on when trying to date intentionally?
Values → what are your morals, and do they align with the person you’re seeing? Having shared values is a key component in determining the longevity of a connection. Compatible belief systems help us build a shared community.
How you feel when you’re with them → it’s easy to overthink, intellectualize our emotions, or even gaslight ourselves into staying in a situation that isn’t best for us. BUT THE BODY DOESN’T LIE. Does spending time with a person make you feel anxious or drained? Those might not be butterflies!! Instead, it could be your body alerting you to unresolved patterns in dating that keep you unhappy. Your nervous system should feel relaxed around the person you’re choosing to partner with.
Having grace for yourself → navigating through the dating landscape is not always easy. Be gentle with yourself! Love cannot be forced. If you’re feeling burnt out, take a break. Pour back into yourself. Constantly affirm that you are an amazing catch and deserve the love you seek.
Clarity → are you confused? Why? Life is too short to be pining over someone who is obviously unavailable. If you’re confused about how someone feels, take it as a ‘no’ and keep it moving. If you’re still stuck communicate compassionately to gain clarity and remember – no answer is still an answer!! (in terms of ghosting etc.)
Respect → respect is non-negotiable for any successful partnership. It is a foundational element for creating safety in connections. Without respect, there can be no trust. Without trust, there can be no relationship.
Playfulness → even the weight of writing this newsletter has reminded me how important it is to prioritize FUN, especially in our romantic relationships. Playfulness, humor, and fun are medicines to soothe anger and repair conflict with one another. Be silly, be bold, and honor your inner child.
My close friend and I were discussing his new dating venture, and I thought he expressed his experience eloquently, so I decided to share his insight. Through this dialogue, it's apparent that he embodies the principles of love through his communication, actions, and beliefs.
A little inspiration to get you through the rest of the week. ;)
Obviously, we’re just scratching the surface of all these topics, but I hope this gives you a glimpse of whatever ramblings are to come. If you made it to the end, you’re a champ!! Here’s a kiss. :*
xx
shelby
Great post! Just curious how you became a sex and relationship coach? Is that an actual certification? Xoxo